MR. BURNS vs. THE BEAVER

Looking forward to tonight's debate: Edwards will try to keep his cowlick down; Cheney will try to appear less like a Bond villain, if only a caretaker one.

A caretaker one? Yes, even though Cheney would not be out of place as a Bond villain, I don't think he would rank very highly in the pantheon unless he A) seriously renovated his wardrobe and B) replaced his wife with an attractive Filipino martial artist, male or female.

Which brings me to the Duss Unified Bond Theory. It's a simple equation for rating Bond films, based on the proposition that a Bond film is only as good as its villain (V) and villainous henchmen (H), gadgets (Ga), girls (Gi), and plot (P), in descending order of value. It looks like this:

[(V+H/2)+(.9Ga)+(.8Gi)+(.5P)]/4

For instance, let's take the greatest of all Bond films, Goldfinger, which gets the highest possible score of 9. As a villain, I give Auric Goldfinger a 10. Oddjob: 10. Gadgets: 10 (because I'm including cars in this category, and you can't beat that Aston Martin). Pussy Galore: come on, 10. Plot: 10 (Okay, irradiating the U.S. gold supply is enormously silly, but we're talking Bond here, people). Anyway, here's what the equation for Goldfinger looks like:

[(10+10/2)+(10 x.9)+(10 x.8)+(10 x.5)]/4 (+1*)= 9

Now let's look at a shitty Bond film, like A View To A Kill. Villain: Christopher Walken phones it in as Zorin, but he's still Christopher Walken, so he gets a 7. Grace Jones as May Day: 6. Gadgets: 5 (Wow, a cheque copier. Uh, cool...). Tanya Roberts: 3. Plot (there was one?): 5.

[(7+6/2)+(5 x.9)+(3 x.8)+(5 x.5)]/4= 3.97

How about a decent but not great Bond film, such as The Man With the Golden Gun.

[(10+8/2)+(6** x.9)+(8 x.8)+(6 x.5)]/4= 5.95

I suppose you could also factor in other things such as number of appearances by Q, number of martinis ordered, whether baccarat is played, inventiveness of deaths (Yaphet Kotto being inflated: 10), number/improbability/coolness of stunts/escapes, memorability of theme song, number of naked women silhouetted in opening credits sequence, and general level of playful misogyny, but I think the four I've chosen do the job.

As a Bond villain, I give Dick Cheney a 6. Mr. Cheney, you're no Scaramanga. Hell, you're barely a Stromberg.

(*Any Bond film with Sean Connery as Bond gets an automatic one point added.)

(**Though there is a serious lack of cool gadgets in TMWTGG, the false nipple pushes its score up a bit)